BREAKING FREE FROM THE 'NOTHING-FINE-NOWHERE' RUT

FROM UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE

FOR RELEASE: WEEK OF MAY 24, 1998

GREAT ASPIRATIONS! by Two Dads

BREAKING FREE FROM THE 'NOTHING-FINE-NOWHERE' RUT

Have you ever tried to start a conversation with your child and felt you might as well be talking to one of those Magic 8 balls? Sometimes we have to practically turn our kids upside down to get a response -- and when the kids do open their mouths, they close them again after one or two words.

It's a common concern. The first word most kids learn to say is "Dad," mostly because D's are easier for them to spit out than M's, as in "Mom." Shortly after that, they utter their first sentence: "Duh, Dad." Before long, they know three more sentences: "Nothing," "Fine" and "Nowhere." "Nothing," "Fine" and "Nowhere" come in handy for responding to any number of parental inquiries into a child's well-being, his current activities or her future plans -- as in, "What did you do in school today?" or "How are you this morning?" or "Where do you think you're going?"

"Nothing," "Fine" and "Nowhere" are easy ways for kids to get themselves off the hook for those questions. Naturally, you want more than that. You want to engage them, draw them out and immerse yourself in their eloquent, elaborate conversation. But how?

You can start by asking more specific questions. Mix it up -- toss them an occasional curve or slider. And don't give them easy outs. Try asking questions that call for more than one- or two-word responses and, above all, listen to what they have to say. Then ask follow-up questions. Like, "What did you learn in science?" or "What did you have for lunch?" or "Say, just where are you planning on going today?"

The bottom line is that we need to show we care. It's not so important that we have to know what happened in science class, or what the nutritional lunch habits are for our kids. We need to show them we are genuinely interested in their lives, and talking WITH them, not TO them, is important to us as dads.

Here are some other ideas:

-- Encourage Connections -- Track the number of times you make meaningful connections with your child in the coming week -- not impersonal conversations that begin with "Do you have your lunch money?" or "Time to get ready for practice," but real one-to-one contact. Then set a goal to double it over the next week.

-- Oh, What a Great Day! -- Over dinner, invite each person at the table to tell about something good that happened to him that day -- something he's thankful for, something that made her happy, something that left her wondering. Give your children the chance to be on center stage, to have everyone listening to them and only them.

-- Show Them You've Been There, Too -- Remember what it was like to be in first grade? They weren't necessarily the "good old days," were they? To understand the issues our children face, it helps to revisit our own insecurities, hurdles and hardships -- and to tell our children about them.

-- Prime the Pump -- Storytelling encourages curiosity and creativity. Make up your own story-starters to launch you and your kids into all kinds of stories that will help put them in the conversation mode. For example, your story-starter could begin, "Once, I found a dollar on the sidewalk ..." or "Once, I was so scared I ..." or "Once, I laughed so hard I ..." And then what happened?

Once you're rolling along with a good story, it will take you to all kinds of wonderful places you never knew existed.

Then, when you've gotten your kids past "Nothing," "Fine" and "Nowhere," listen to what they have to say. And keep listening. Let them interrupt you, even when you have your favorite power tool in your hands.

You'll be showing your kids you really do care about what they have to say -- and that what they say matters. And once they know you're listening, they can begin to build solid foundations for their own meaningful, life-long aspirations.

(The Two Dads are Doug Hall, Director of Great Aspirations!, and Russ Quaglia, Child Aspirations Expert.)

COPYRIGHT 1998 GREAT ASPIRATIONS! INC.

DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE
4520 Main St., Kansas City, Mo. 64111; (816) 932-6600